The long way out

It has been 11 years since I first got into gambling, 11 long but short years. Long because it was a war for survival while trying to feed my addiction day to day, short because the time was wasted and nothing productive came out of it. Unlike most I lost on my first go, and I actually never came back for quite a while, until a friend of mine suggested we should go and drop a few pounds on red and black and the rest is history. At first, there was a lot of winning, wads of cash in my pocket, never managed to spend it on anything, always went back were it came from, but there was a rotation which made it feel profitable. My first game of choice, roulette. Probably the worst high pace game for people of low impulse control, which allows high stake wagers. As it went the constant rush burns you out and you find yourself confused and now suddenly make decisions which cause you to lose. Psychologically gambling has beat you, and if you continue to fight it could only end one way. So as someone who is quite self aware I saw this and I managed to quit at that point, which was about a year and a half into this experience. But maybe a few months passed and I was at a pub watching a football game. And for some reason decided I should put a football bet on(unusual for me, not what I do) thought it harmless, not so fast paced can't lose a lot that quick, also football wasn't really my thing. Well, little do you know I won an 8 fold, which was astronomical, as a betting person you would know that. And there I was a brand new football punter, thought it less volatile, well reality was you can make it as volatile as you want based on the amount of bets you place… Years in now I started working at a bookmakers( what a mistake) that opened me to all new different gambling ways , horses and dogs. As a rule I stayed away from what I didn't understand and didn't try to learn new ways to gamble. Well there I was all day watching horses and dogs, I was bound to understand what is going on soon enough. And I did, dogs was a real void, you can really lose yourself in something that fun and exciting, and also crushing at the same time when your number loses. Hundreds of thousands lost now more than 7 years in, I have finally given into slots( the dumbest thing you can gamble on). And I honestly can not understand why I did, it never made sense to me, I feel like I just let the addiction take over me at this point. For many years I felt prisoner in my head, living on scraps while always working full time. A peasants life for years when I could have lived like a king. What a pathetic existence it was. I have always been transparent with the people close to me about my addiction and I wrote something which when I read just didn't seem like the truth. I wanted to lie and I almost believed myself. I was about to say I didn't let it affect my relationships with people, maybe it didn't in a financial way, as I never put gambling before people. But then I can think of times were it put strain, through the act of me doing it. I'm a few days into the decision to stop for good. And today in particular Ive been feeling the urge to gamble. Although Ive self excluded from most, In my mind Im sure I can find a way. But Im practising restraint. I felt like maybe I need to write this. Take this story as you will. Im not the worst, I'm one of many however. Ive let this go on for way too long, it only ends one way.