Here's my journey. I'm posting this partially to get this out since I've never shared this, and also so someone else can hopefully relate to at least parts of it…
I've been interested in the stock market as far back as I can remember. Honestly, getting rich was never the allure for me. It was being able to make money on my own terms without having to work a miserable 9-5 job until I'm 65, and being able to have flexibility and complete autonomy in my day. I started off while in college with a little bit of money I had saved up from Summer jobs, thinking I was using some innate skill I had to trade and invest. Within a year, the 2008 financial crisis happened and I became quickly accustomed to the market moving over 5% in a day. I started ramping up my trading during the recovery in 2009, and reading all the doom and gloom thinking the crisis wasn't over and it could drop even more, I started playing with options and leveraged ETFs. Well, it goes without saying I was completely humbled and lost $35k which was pretty much everything I had at the time over the course of a few years. I stopped trading and even stopped investing in individual stocks at this point (around 2013).
Fast forward 10 years…
Disillusioned after a decade working in corporate America, and feeling confident because my portfolio (which was in extremely conservative mutual funds and real estate) was beating the stock market cumulatively by 25% (after the 2022 correction), I opened a new brokerage account and got back into day trading. Boy was it a roller coaster ride. I immediately made a bit, then lost it all plus over $200k more. I should mention at this time, since it's kind of a factor in the story, that I had been using this really detailed excel spreadsheet I created to track my portfolio and the S&P 500, and generate metrics. The key metric was the cumulative return of my portfolio vs the S&P 500 (plus dividends). After being up 25% over the S&P total returns by the end of 2022, that number started dropping rapidly as the S&P recovered from the 2022 correction and proceeded to go on a tear and I started losing money. I was down massively by the start of 2024 compared to the S&P and I constantly beat myself up over it like "if only I had just blindly dumped all my money into SPY or VTI, I'd have hundreds of thousands more than I have now" and "all that work, effort and stress for nothing, actually less than nothing." There wasn't a day, probably not even a waking hour, where those thoughts did not cross my mind, if not totally consume it, for over a year.
In early 2024, I completely recovered my $200k deficit in just two very lucky trades. This was the first time I felt actually successful doing this. I can't even describe the sense of relief I got at that point. I felt like after over a year living with shame and regret, I had finally redeemed myself and no longer felt the need to keep this massive secret. I proceeded to bounce around but mostly up eventually peaking at net positive <redacted specific dollar amount to be sensitive to those like me who are triggered by that> by the summer. There were several instances during this run where I almost lost everything. A couple times I lost a few hundred thousand but managed to recover each time by the next day or two. Nonetheless, I was beating the S&P again, which was my measure of success. It gave me the sense of feeling like all that work and stress was not for nothing. I started thinking about "retiring early" and I told my wife she could stop working so she could spend more time with our little one and take care of the house during the day, and she did. I realized that I got extremely lucky during this run and I needed to slow down. It was unbelievably stressful even though I had made a lot of money. I told myself, no more going "full port." No more holding anything overnight. I can't keep losing sleep over a trade. I'm going to use proper risk management and just be cool making a couple thousand a week scalping or taking small position trades as I saw good opportunities.
Almost immediately, the wheels started falling off. I made a bad trade and rather than exiting I doubled down thinking there is no possible way this could keep going against me. I lost big that day, and that loss put me back $100k down from that S&P benchmark, which made me furious. I was still a few hundred thousand net positive, but that felt horrible after previously being up way more. The next day, thinking the stock market was unreasonably overextended, I took a put position and I immediately went up big after some Trump related news. I sold and took my gains, but still was well short of that ATH number which I still felt the urge to get back to. What made matters worse was, had I held those puts just a little longer I would have gotten there plus some. A few days later, still in "revenge" mode and feeling confident, I took a put position which went up a hundred thousand in like 5 minutes. Thinking to myself, "wow that was easy," but also "don't exit too early like you did the other day," I held on and watched as that number faded. It eventually went negative so I doubled down a few times after feeling awful that I didn't exit while I was up big. I ended up blowing my entire $800k account, down a net $200k lifetime.
I couldn't escape the shame, guilt, regret and the pressure of now having to be the sole breadwinner for my family. I spiraled and ultimately ended up getting hospitalized. I'll spare you all the details around that, but long story short I spent a few days in a psych ward, and when I got out I had to go on leave from work to enter an outpatient program for a month. I never told a single soul, including my wife about the trading losses. To this day my wife does not know about any of this, and honestly I sometimes have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat thinking she finally looked into our accounts and saw the damage.
Even after all of this, I didn't stop trading. I cashed out $100k from another illiquid investment I had and got right back to it. Within two weeks, I 8x'ed the account and was in complete shock! It happened so quickly that I don't think I ever got a chance to process it. I went to hell and CAME BACK. I was fully recovered. All the problems that caused me to almost lose my job, my marriage and my life over the past few months were erased by a few button clicks. I became confused, almost like having an out-of-body experience. I felt like I didn't deserve it. For whatever reason, while I felt like I redeemed myself, I did not get that same sense of relief I had gotten when I did this before (on a smaller scale). I didn't really understand why, maybe a harbinger for what was to come. But either way, I could finally put all this behind me. No more worrying about having to someday explain to my wife about losing our nest egg, no more having to admit to being a failure.
Well, I wish I could say the story is over and it ended happily… I proceeded to take another large put position just after this unbelievable two week run, thinking I was smart and I could take my portfolio back to my all time high and cross the $1M mark. You probably see where this is going… I proceeded to blow the entire portfolio AGAIN! This time I compounded matters by blowing my IRA account and taking a loan from my 401k and blowing that. In complete shame, I have stopped tracking everything the way I was, so I don't know the exact number. But I guess I am now down over $500k net lifetime, over $1M from peak.
I even recently ventured into sports betting. I downloaded all the apps, took advantage of all the new customer promos, and in an eerily similar pattern to the day trading, I started off up a little, then down a little, then down big, then full recovery and up big, then down, then back up big, then down, and down and down. And I am now down over $50k there on top of the trading losses. Even when I was up big here, I knew this was wrong.
Nonetheless, in the past couple months, I've wavered back and forth between giving day trading another go, where this time I have structure and well-defined rules. I know exactly what I'm doing wrong, but I cannot stop. I am unable to accept and cut a loss, I am not limiting my position sizing, I'm overtrading, and when I lose I go into this "revenge" mode where my head tingles, I get tunnel vision and I feel I completely lose control of my mind and my executive function. If only I could work on my mind, I could be consistently profitable. For the first time in my life, I've been working out regularly. I've been practicing yoga and meditation. I'll go a couple weeks where I do really well, am in a really positive headspace, and start getting into the groove making a few thousand a day. I start thinking, okay if I could just be consistent, even if I don't go for the big gains anymore, in a few years of this I could recover everything and actually be a legitimate Day Trader. But, I inevitably, every single time, blow it all in one trade. Just this past couple weeks, I doubled $50k through consistent, moderate gains. But then, I got caught on the wrong side of Trump's latest TACO yesterday and instead of taking the loss, I went into "revenge" mode and tried to recover. I almost did recover by the end of day, but unsatisfied, I held overnight. I spent the entire evening and all night constantly checking futures watching as they kept ticking up, against my short position. A couple times I even got down on the floor and begged for the market to go down. That position is now down $90k. I guess on the positive side, I don't have any liquid cash left to trade (lose) right now.
I drove out on my lunch break today to a tall dam close to my home. I walked the trail that traverses it and stared down the couple hundred foot drop, thinking I could end this right now all I have to do is leap over the guardrail. Instead I just broke down and started bawling.
I sit here right now, broken. I am numb. I am a shell of a human being. I have no idea what to do, who to go to, or how to come back from all of this. I've been seeing a therapist and I tried to explain my problems awhile back but they didn't quite understand and thought I had just lost money investing through some bad luck. I kept trying to explain it was more like gambling but I kept being told not to beat myself up over it, it happens, and I was just trying to save money for my family. I was also told to seek a financial advisor and relinquish control of my accounts, which would have helped, but does not address the root of the problem.
I don't think I can stop. I think this is part of who I am. I have also become so fixated on financial markets, and economic news, that it has kind of become part of me and is a significant portion of my time, energy, and knowledge. I don't have much else other than family and friends. I'm scared if I come clean to my wife, family or go to GA, they will force me to completely stop and I will lose a huge part of who I am. I also fear explaining this to a trusted person and them judging me for how much money I had once had. I feel so guilty about that. There are so many people who are less fortunate than I am who would've put even just a small fraction of what I so frivolously wasted to good use.
Money has never been about luxury or status to me. The first purchase I made after recovering the second time was to a subscription to donate $100 per month to a charitable cause. I've just wanted to get to the point where I didn't have to worry about money anymore and I could start aligning where I spent my money with my values. Ironic, isn't it? To me money equals freedom. And I have squandered that away. I am now approaching 40, after having grinded out years in Corporate America, all for nothing. I don't own my home. I drive a 15 year old car. I've got some money in retirement accounts but that doesn't do me any good right now.
I now live in complete filthy shame, unbearable guilt, and the most intense regret you could imagine, so much so that it literally hurts my body. I have a constant "crushing" feeling, like my torso is caving in on itself. Like my heart has ceased to exist and the vacuum left behind is sucking my chest in. I feel like I am fundamentally flawed, like I was born with evil in me. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how I can keep on going…
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Incredibly powerful story. Your testimony helps me a lot. Though I’m only half your age, you remind me a lot of myself. You’re very smart, competitive, and hard working to a fault… I used to think problem gambling only happened to “dumb” people, I believed that because I graduated top of my class in college, was good at math, and all that arrogant nonsense, I could beat the house. I’ve gambled in every market, similar to you, going up a bit at first, then losing small, and then chasing those losses with intense tunnel vision and losing big. I’m only 20 now, working my first job in big tech, and am losing 5 figures a month. My responsibilities and expenses are so low that losing this amount of money doesn’t put me in great financial hardship… yet… I’m often taking time away from work to gamble for 10 hours straight. My performance at work has gone down, and my involvement in all relationships in my life has decreased significantly. I keep gambling just to “get back what I loss”, and I’ve gotten close a couple of times, but I always end up more negative than before. I come from nothing, I keep thinking about how I could’ve gave the money I lost to my family and that would’ve been equal to several years of household income for them, but I’m selfish and addicted. I need to stop before this gets worse because the losses keep growing and my ability to enjoy life keeps diminishing. You might look at me and my situation and say “it’s easy for this kid to have hope”, but I believe you should have hope as well. My parents are older than you, have never made more than low five figures a year, have lived and will probably live paycheck to paycheck for the rest of their lives. They have next to no chance of ever accumulating even $10k in savings. They have have penny pinched, enjoyed no luxuries, worked 50-60hrs/week, and saved as much as possible their entire lives with nothing to show for it. In five years their networth will be the same regardless of how they live their lives, they have no education or special skills. You have more hope than they (and many other people) will ever have. Let’s get our revenge this time by killing the demon inside of us that tells us to gamble.
Holy shit bro you literally have been through hell and survived it. I am also 40 and my story is similar to yours, hit it big on options and lost it all. Stay strong, find some new hobby that could peak your interest. You should have low energy, medium energy, and high energy hobbies, a full spectrum. It will keep your mind off the losses. Just keep trying new things out and if they don’t stick, try something else. I am trying this now and it is much easier said than done.
I’ve lost 35k day trading.
I’ve completely stopped.
It is just not worth it, like you’ve seen, it is so easy to get margin called.
There is no such thing as fast money.
This is the first time I have ever read such a long Reddit post all the way to the end. That’s because I can completely relate to your story. I’ve been investing since 2010, I’m 38 years old, and I have a wife two kids. After a massive loss in 2023, I stopped. I did have two relapses after that, but I didn’t lose big amounts anymore.
I know exactly how it feels to be glued to the screen, full of tension, and to feel completely powerless once the money starts going down. I have cut my arm before. I have also punched walls and hit my own head. (When i was younger)
Beforehand, you don’t think about setting a stop loss, because you know you will be watching the charts live, so you think you are in control. But once it starts dropping, you can’t believe it, you start buying more, and you start shouting. And when it’s finally over — when there’s nothing left or you exit with a huge loss — the real hit comes. I have seen over 100,000 disappear in just a few days. That was a lot of money for me. It drives you crazy.
And yes, when you realize how many people you could have helped with that money, like my father-in-law who is extremely poor, you become deeply depressed. But for me, it was never really about the money. It was about proving myself to my father. He always tells me that I should invest my money in the stockmarket. In theory, that’s good advice — but not for someone who is addicted to gambling. That person won’t choose an ETF, but a risky penny stock instead.
It’s simply part of my character, and I think it might be part of yours too. You have no control over the market, no matter how much you read. You can buy Tesla and spend hours and hours researching, but then Elon Musk could suddenly have a heart attack. All that knowledge becomes useless. The market is unpredictable. On top of that, you’re competing with high-frequency traders, people with insider information, and trading bots. You didn’t have skill — you just got lucky a few times.
Now for the solution, because I used to see myself as a “knowledgeable investor” too. Learn to accept that all the knowledge, time, and money you put into investing are gone. Find work that you enjoy. Stop telling yourself that working sucks. Watch things that have nothing to do with politics, the stock market, or shares. Take on a fun side job. I now do reselling. It gives me small kicks, feels like selling a stock for a profit. I often make 50% to 100% on small investments. Forget the stock market. Seriously. If you still feel the need to invest, there are just a few options left: 1. Invest in yourself.
2. Invest in stuff to resell
3. Invest in a business.
4. Buy bank deposits with 3-4% rates boring a.f i know but that is what you need, you need rest!
Start enjoying life again and this can still be a comeback story but you have to change your tactic.
That’s tough man. So much here that hits home. Just know there’s worse things than working until 65. That’s the norm. You have a wife and child who need you. Refocus on what matters and put trading behind you for good. Find gratitude in what you have and joy in something new. You have your health and a family, forget the rest. Move forward
Man, I could’ve written this post. Eerily similar story.
Started trading in 2010, loved the idea of financial freedom but never had a fixed number in mind. Ditto on the spreadsheet, the crazy swings, the feelings of euphoria and sheer panic, upon making and losing life changing amounts of money.
Still struggle from time to time but came out clean to my wife last year. Was one of the toughest periods of my life but she supported me, helped me recover, took control of our finances so even when I had strong urges, I wouldn’t throw everything we have.
Hang in there man and feel free to message me anytime. Sorrow shared is sorrow divided.
I’m 35, no car no home either. I feel you are not roc bottom yet. I had the same feeling two years ago. And then I continue to lost another year.
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Thank you for your post… I got a lot of value from it because I am similar in many ways just as a much lower level financially… However, the identity of who we are sticks hard with me so I thank you for your post
the worst loss is that we lost ourselves. devatstation to the core. we never are the same peraon we once were.
Read this article and follow the steps, it will help break your gambling addiction [https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1pxt0at/what_happens_to_you_when_youre_addicted_to/](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1pxt0at/what_happens_to_you_when_youre_addicted_to/)[https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1pxt0at/what_happens_to_you_when_youre_addicted_to/](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1pxt0at/what_happens_to_you_when_youre_addicted_to/)
Go to a GA meeting, you are a compulsive gambler and you need help. There is a way out
I’m glad I have come across this, even if it is very triggering. You have explained a lot of the moments of my experience in complete clarity. The easy win to begin, the loss and the giving up, the forgetting…the comeback, the confidence, the full port, the bad news, the wipe out.
I’m 38 so we are of similar age. I also have always had an interest in the stock market, reading the business pages of the paper on weekends since I was a young age. I consider myself informed. I give advice to family and friends on how best to save for their retirement and how not to put their eggs in one basket.
It certainly hasn’t helped that we were born in the internet age. Easy access to information, news, rumors, lies. The easy of being able to full port our life savings into derivatives all from a device in your pocket. This world is a compulsive gamblers hell scape.
It’s going to take time and a lot of help and soul searching for you to get through this. I’ve never believed in fate but there is something in a compulsive gambler is doomed from the first bet. There’s a Norm McDonald quote that I love “I met a guy who said he was a lucky gambler because he never once won”. Any win for people like us is just the precursor to a much bigger loss later.
My friend, there’s nothing I can do for you to make that money return. You have to find a way to recover YOURSELF rather than the money. For your family needs YOU more than any dollar amount. I wish you all the best with your recovery.
Day trading is not for everyone. It also does not matter how smart, kind, rich or successful you are. It takes no prisoners, especially of those of us who “cannot stop at stop losses”.
It is never too late to wake up and start afresh. You’ve got this.
That’s sound advice. Thanks for sharing. It’s awesome that you’ve found so many hobbies and interests to keep you physically and mentally busy. That’s how to do it, I think with any addiction. All the best man
Man I can relate in so many ways you can’t imagine. I made a post a while back feel free to check it out. Although it wasnt as detailed. Can I PM you? I think it would be good to keep in contact maybe even chat o ver the phone with fellow highly ambitious addicts
If you could message me I’m in an Eerily similar situation
I read this whole thread and it made me feel a bit better after getting wiped out on silver today. I can relate to a lot of what most of you are saying about having rules and abiding by them for a while, building up just to give it all away at once, going full tilt on some random trade that breaks all the rules.
Lost a bunch of money a couple of years ago, when I first started getting involved with the markets. My second trade was going full port on shares one morning, stepped away briefly at -2k loss and came back to +17k, almost 100% win. Months worth of savings, I said this is too easy. Starting gambling on penny stocks, where I would usually take an initial loss upon entering but it always worked out in the end. Until it didn’t , and by that time I was up quite a bit, thus feeling I was playing with house money.
Once the losses started accumulating, I discovered revenge trading. Following regarded tips from reddit, I would go all in on random tickers or get emotionally attached to some stock with the expected results. Eventually, as I was getting close to the bottom, I lucked out wth a $500 bet on a sava put, which turned into 6k overnight. I was a sava bull, but was trying to scalp after the stock seemed range bound following a big 50% drop. Instead of going right back to calls, I put that money in some random plays, just before what was going to be a 2 week market correction.
Next Monday I woke up late and sava was already up 13% and I thought well, I missed my chance and stayed out. The following day, another 10%, now I really thought it was gonna pull back a little. But it didn’t, sava went from 9 to 36 in 2 weeks, while everything else in the market crashed. And I just watched it from the sidelines, thinking how my initial $500 would have been $500k if only I hadn’t stayed out after that initial spike.
While I was going crazy thinking about what I thought to be a once in a lifetime missed opportunity, asts, which was trading between 10 and 12 at the time, also broke to 20 and then 40 within days, missed that one too. This really played a number on me, between the frustration that kept accumulating and sleep deprivation caused by waking up at 4 am every day to watch the premarket.
Ended up blowing the account and losing my job at the exact same time. Took a long time away from the market as I didn’t have any extra money to blow. Missed out on all the lows and the recovery, but eventually got another job and started dabbling again in November, just in time for the correction after the big summer ai pump. Started with a couple of thousand, far dated contracts, but as soon as it started going up I decided it wasn’t going up fast enough and even if it did, I was missing out on gains by buying so far out. Sold that, bought shorter and shorter dated calls until I ended up with weeklies that I watched gain over 100% in a day just to have them all go to zero after an end of the week offering. Had I just kept the initial contracts, would have been at least 5x up now, but of course I wasn’t gonna do that.
So now the fight for breakeven is the next chapter, and revenge trading is about to start. It used to be that it would take a couple of days for funds to settle, but now they made it so that it settles within minutes. You can guess where that’s going already. Like a lot of other people here ended up just adding more and more money, almost breaking even just to go full tilt and break all the rules again and again.
It just feels so strange that you can literally lose everything to the market with a few clicks. That’s unlike all the other addictions, and Im not addicted to anything else, don’t even care about casinos or sports gambling. At this point I’m starting to see it more like a personality issue than anything strictly related to the market or trading. Between the dopamine release and not having much else to look forward to, coupled with the need for financial security, it seems impossible to stay on the straight and narrow while dabbling in the market.
There’s a military pilot I follow that uses the term normalization of deviance to describe a process where you little by little break more and more rules, but because you’re getting away with it for a while, you don’t see it as a problem. Until one day the holes in the Swiss cheese finally align and that’s when you crash, whether it’s your plane falling out of the sky or your portfolio being wiped out.
Man, I’ve read all the comments here as well as all the comments you have left. I know you apologized for a long post, but I wish it was longer! Hearing your story, I realized I likely would have made the exact/similar decisions as you did which has made me realize just how much more ridiculous this all is.
For me, I felt that money gave me attention from those that I desired it most from. But after some introspection and therapy, I realized that money gave me confidence and security, both of which I now have lost and am trying to recover. I’m trying to quit as well, and it’s difficult. Seeing some stocks I had options in skyrocket after I closed my position genuinely feels worse than seeing my positions close worthless. It’s a gut punch to see a stock I shorted (CVNA) drop after I had already lost significsnt money trying to short it. I think markets are particularly dangerous because oftentimes your conviction is correct, but your timing is wrong which reinforces an idea in your mind that, “My IDEA isnt wrong, I just timed it wrong” which frankly is arguably more dangerous than fully losing on something like Blackjack.
I know this is discouraged, but to “scratch the itch”, I’ve just been daily DCA’ing into various stocks. Not weekly, monthly, or quarterly, but daily. I’ve hard far better success with this than just options and it still makes me “feel” like my conviction is correct and makes me still feel “smart”. And since they are shares, they won’t expire worthless in 2 months! I know it’s not sexy and won’t 10x my money like options will, but I’ve realized that as humans we react more harshly to losses than we are to the euphoria of wins. As a result, I’ve been trying to build my portfolio back up slowly but steadily. Best of luck to you and if you need anyone to talk to who’s been in very similar situations, feel free to PM me. I have built a small network of people I talk to monthly to check up on their progress.
Puts fucked me hard when he market recovered late 2022, I couldn’t believe it. Here I am still wanting to buy puts years later . Honestly just put all your money in your wife’s account and set auto buys on index or yolo it all on stock at least you can have some hope and if you it goes down you always have hope it goes back up long term