I’m pissed. My husband has lost us thousands of dollars over the past 5 years gambling. No matter if it’s casino (rarely), sports betting (OFTEN), or doing things alongside friends/colleagues where he’s tanked our money.
We have enough money to be “risky” with, but this is a whole addiction. He looses us hundreds a month, every month. He’s lost multiple thousand in 1 day a few years back which I am still struggling to forgive him for.
The part that sucks the most is he never tells me or informs me of his gambling. He tells me after, and seldom if it’s a loss. He may come to me and discuss a win. Recently he does neither as he promised me that starting the new year (taking a huge loss this recent December), that he was done completely.
Many times this month I looked him in the face and asked if he placed bets to which he said no. To my face. Every time I’ve asked.
What do you know! Tonight, I see him on his phone a lot. I noticed he was on his regular sports betting app. I said “I know you’re not about to take a bet when you promised me you have stopped,” his response “I’m not taking a bet I’m just looking.” Should have known then, I played my own damn self.
Later randomly he got a notification on his phone “your bet lost” something along those lines. God had me at the right place at the right time. I immediately go nuts. I grab him phone and start going through, he’s bet everyday, multiple times a day, on multiple different apps just this month. The worst part? He’s down HUNDREDS. I did the math myself. He obviously won’t tell me the truth. And it’s the end of the month.
We do monthly spreadsheets for our finances. I normally just had him manage them because he IS IN FINANCE. Stupid mistake on my end too I guess. Somehow when we review them I recently caught on his bets were NEVER included. We even shared a note on our notes app where we include all our spending; groceries, dates, gas, bills, miscellaneous etc. it all goes on a shared sheet. He NEVER puts his bets/gambling plays on it.
I just feel betrayed. He said I was freaking out and gaslighting the hell out of me. He recognized he lied and even finally admitted he has a serious addiction and problem. But it’s an “easy fix” and something he can “go without starting tomorrow and not blink twice.” Righttttttt.
We are sitting down tmrw, redoing all our finances for 2025 based on his betting so I can see a clear cut picture of his problem- and he can see it as well. I already deleted most of the apps and we are going through the 3 he uses most tomorrow together as well. He will be deactivating his accounts and deleting them. But, I also am getting passwords to all of them. Again idk how this works, but I AM grabbing this issue by the balls and I mean that. I feel as though this is serious financial infidelity (bc he lies and promises and hides things) but also he has a serious issue. I don’t want to have to babysit him and his apps bc he lies to me. I don’t need that burden, but I also can’t trust him. I wouldn’t put it past him to delete the apps on his phone and then do it while he’s at work and delete them/do it on his laptop that I don’t have access to unless he’s back home from work.
Ugh!!!!!!!! What to do!!!!!!!! If anyone has any help, advice, or even ways that could allow me to better understand the next steps to take I’d appreciate it.
View Reddit by HeadSpite7834 – View Source
You are not crazy. You are not dramatic. And you are definitely not gaslighting him. He lied. Repeatedly. To your face. That’s not a misunderstanding that’s deception.
This isn’t about the money. It’s about the lying and hiding.
If he was just struggling, that’s one thing. But he looked you in the eye and said no. He hid it from the shared spreadsheet. He didn’t log it in your notes. He only talks about wins. Then he called you crazy when confronted. That’s addiction behavior mixed with damage control.
And the “I can quit tomorrow no problem” line? That’s straight from the addiction playbook. If he could quit without blinking, he would’ve done it in December after that huge loss.
You’re right to feel betrayed. This is financial infidelity. He made unilateral decisions with shared money and hid them.
Deleting apps means very little if he can redownload them, use a browser, gamble from work, or open new accounts. You cannot babysit a grown man. That will exhaust you and turn you into the prison guard of your own marriage.
If he’s serious about stopping, it should look like real action -formal self-exclusion from sportsbooks, blocking software on all devices, you managing joint finances for now, therapy specifically for gambling addiction, and full transparency on bank and credit statements. Not “I’ll stop tomorrow.”
And here’s the hard truth you can’t force sobriety. You can only set boundaries.
You’re allowed to love him and not trust him right now. You’re allowed to want this fixed and still protect yourself. And you’re allowed to be furious.
Tomorrow, stay calm. Stick to facts. Numbers don’t argue. Let the pattern speak for itself. Then focus on what accountability actually looks like and not promises, not emotion, not “starting tomorrow.” Real structure.
Good for you! This is what a supportive partner should do! Be the strong hand! The challenge here is, say he stops and you get access to his accounts, he’s gonna find another way to get back at it, relapse. This is how it works: He is gonna follow a game his mind is telling him he knows who is gonna win, say he didn’t bet on it because he is trying to keep his promise of not betting. The team wins, and he’s gonna feel fomo. So he’s gonna try extra hard to hide it as he’s not gonna wanna miss the next one. It’s a hard addiction to let go of. He’s gonna need someone with a strong hand to veer his attention away from sports. He’s gonna need to find other things to occupy his mind. Being addicted to video games or binge watching is better. I’m obviously not an expert, so take it with a grain of salt. After you start betting on sports, it’s hard to watch without betting. You feel bored. You feel like something is missing. Sorry that you are going thru this, as are many many families.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re dealing with this. It’s such a nasty addiction that affects everyone close to the gambler in so many ways. I found out my husband was deliberately hiding his horrible gambling addiction for our entire 9 year relationship and we already had two kids together. It’s complete financial betrayal!
I must admit I didn’t know anything about this addiction when I first learned he had it. I couldn’t understand how he can be so deceiving and lie to me for that length of time. I’ve done my best to educate myself, and now can better understand it all. I told him I needed to monitor his activity moving forward, he needed to go to GA and talk to a licensed professional. We’re still no where close to back to normal, but I am proud of him for everything he’s doing now for our family. Trust is not restored but it’s definitely in a better place and on its way.
I got so tired of monitoring his accounts everyday. I was already stressed with my job, two kids and basically all the house responsibilities. I was living on edge every day fearing I would miss something. The stress was brutal. In our family session his therapist recommended we try a website called Deuce Recovery. I highly recommend it if you don’t want to be the person actively monitoring him. The website does it for you automatically and will only notify you if a potential gambling transaction is detected.
There’s a support group called Gamanon that’s meant for the family members of the addict. I must admit it wasn’t for me but wanted to make you aware nonetheless. I’m praying for the both of you and hope everything gets better!
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please read this article to understand more about gambling addiction. If you have any questions, please hit me up in chat. Regards, John [https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1pxt0at/comment/nx9srs4/](https://www.reddit.com/r/problemgambling/comments/1pxt0at/comment/nx9srs4/)
Repost to r/gamanon
He needs to join gamblers anonymous or talk to a therapist and want to quit. Fortunately his losses seems very tame, being down hundreds is actually quite mild. I lost 175k in 2022 gambled for years before that without it being such a dramatic issue but as soon as my dad died it became my escape
Wow. These threads make me relate.
As a compulsive gambler, not gambling, I will say (speaking for myself) I am a lying liar who lies.
For you, as others in this thread have suggested,
GAM-ANON and r/gamanon are good resources.
https://gam-anon.org
[Gam-Anon](https://gam-anon.org)
ABOUT GAM-ANON
Welcome to the official website of the Gam-Anon® International Service Office, Inc., serving the community of international meetings of the Gam-Anon Family Groups.
Gam-Anon has created this website to provide information for the general public and professional community about problem ( compulsive ) gambling.
GAM-ANON
Gam-Anon is a 12-step self-help fellowship of men and women who have been affected by the gambling problem of a loved one. We understand as perhaps few can. We are familiar with worry and sleepless nights and promises made only to be broken.
The message of Gam-Anon is: Come join with us. We too were alone, afraid, and unable to cope with the deterioration in our relationships, the financial problems, and the debt caused by the gambling problem. We know that living with the effects of a loved one’s gambling can be too devastating to bear without help.
Through Gam-Anon we find our way back to a normal way of thinking and living whether or not our loved ones continue to gamble.
If a gambling problem is affecting your life, you may find help at a Gam-Anon meeting. A list of cGam-Anon meetings is available on this website.
Please click on the links below to learn more about the Gam-Anon Program.